Once a whore always a whore

I tried, I really tried to avoid this fate for myself. But there is officially no stopping me now. I was to a child once, with big dreams for myself, most my dreams are in progress to coming true, but alas here I am with the frightening feeling that I have become.... a whore.

*I use the term whore very loosely. I don't mean it in a street hooker, I sell my body to the night or that I have sex with some random stranger from a bar wasted every night kind of way*

Don't start judging me quite yet. Really, somewhere along the line my dream of becoming a wholesome wife to a professional gentleman turned into the dream of mastering a high school game we started called "ass master 2005-present". Basically, who gets the most poon wins.

It wasn't always like this, once upon a star I was a wide-eyed, pre-teen about to hop onto a plane and move to this great ice land I had never been to before but read so much about in books...Canada. Good 'ol Canada. God bless this monster of a country. None the less, that 13 year old started Junior High, barely speaking any English and developed new dreams of becoming a famous pop star, touring the world with the Spice Girls. Then that girl met a boy at a bus stop, fell madly in "love" and let him stick his wang in her pikachu. Suddenly my new dream was to master this new craft I had just encountered and learned. Now I was going to become a sex star....okay no not really, I actually don't even enjoy the act, I think it was the competition aspect of it that intrigues me.

Now before you start thinking "omg, what a terrible way to lose it" or "what a horrible experience that must have been, so young so innocent", remember I ended up dating this boy for 2 years, which is a milenia in teen years, and we are to this day very good friends. But ah, that was only the beginning, the beginning of a life long string of whore like activity for myself.

Not to mention that during most of my life I've had a steady long term serious boyfriend, that's right, I was THAT girl. I'm not proud of my past, but I am not ashamed of it, we all make mistakes and unfortunately I made my mistake over and over again for a year straight during a 6 year long relationship. You would be safe to assume, he hates me, I ruined his life, he will never trust women again and we are no longer together. 

I learned my lesson, shouldn't have treated him like a dirtbag and should have valued what we had, but none the less, I only did it because it was one of those relationships where everything was so perfect between us and we had been together forever! There was no legit reason I could find to breaking up with him, but I couldn't just break up with him because I didn't wanna be with him anymore could I? Duhhhhh of course I could, but no I chose the HIGH ROAD, and decided to just ruin his manhood instead. Clearly the better ethical choice right? Blah, if I knew then what I know now. Unfortunately the next day after we broke up, I decided to date one of the guys I had secretly been with during that relationship & now openly be with him. Dated for a one year and I can tell you that it failed miserably just recently due to, well because he doesn't trust me. And why would he? I mean I cheated on my previous boyfriend WITH him...yeah. I love when previous relationships ruin present ones. Great, juussssst great.

But I sometimes think about it, like yes, I made a mistake, learned from it, swore to myself I would never do that again, would never be caught in a situation like that ever again. But I wonder, how much can one person REALLLLY change?? Like now since I have vowed to never cheat again, and won't be with someone unless I know I won't do that to them, it seems like I will be single forever then. Because I love the single life, I haven't experienced it in so long. This new territory, and casual sexual encounters and how easy breezy sex with a male can be, no strings attached scares the shit out of me. I am falling in love with the whore life. It's just so much easier, no one to fuckin annoy you at all times of the night, no one that checks up on you, no one that wants to go out with you all the time, no one that you have to make sure you shave your legs for. Nobody you have to please EVER. For the first time ever, I'm in a relationship with someone that cares about me, I'm in a relationship with myself. The greatest companion ever.

But what now? What if now, in order to be an honest and non cheating whore bag, morally right and ethical person, I turn into a casual sex whorebag? I don't want to be single forever?! But I don't think I will ever like another man enough to be monogamous for him. I just love, love too much. But then again, I eventually want some mini Shays? What is a girl to do, I went from being a whore in a relationship, to a single whore.

I am afraid to admit that, but maybe it's true what they say, once a whore...always a whore.