Many men, wish death upon me.

Many men, wish death upon me
Blood in my eye dog and I can't see
I'm trynna be what I'm destined to be
And niggas trynna take my life away
I put a hole in a nigga for fuckin' with me
My back on the wall, now you gon' see
Better watch how you talk, when you talk about me
'Cause I'll come and take your life away
Many men
Wish death upon me
Lord I don't cry no more
Don't look to the sky no more
Have mercy on me

Sunnny days wouldn't be special, if it wasn't for rain
Joy wouldn't feel so good, if it wasn't for pain
Death gotta be easy, 'cause life is hard
It'll leave you physically, mentally, and emotionally scarred
This is for my niggas on the block, twistin' trees in cigars
For the niggas on lock, doin' life behind bars
I don't see only god can judge me, 'cause I see things clear
Quick these crackers will give my black ass a hundred years
I'm like Paulie in Goodfellas, you can call me the Don
Like Malcolm by any means, with my gun in my palm

Every night I talk to god, but he don't say nothing back
I know he protected me, but I still stay with my gat
In my nightmares niggas keep pulling techs on me
Psyic says some bitch done put a hex on me
The feds didn't know much, when Pac got shot
I got a kite from the pens that told me Tuck got knocked
I ain't gonna spell it out for you motherfuckers all the time
Are you illiterate nigga? You can't read between the lines?
In the bible it says, what goes around comes around
Almost shot me, three weeks later he got shot down
Now it's clear that I'm here for a real reason
'Cause he got hit like I got hit, but he ain't fuckin' breathin'...


Many men

Wish death upon me
Lord I don't cry no more
Don't look to the sky no more
Have mercy on me
Have mercy on my soul
Somewhere my heart turned cold
Have mercy on many men
Many men

Wish death upon me

My dear brother, may you forever rest in peace.

You may not be my blood, but you are the father of my nieces, the husband of my sister and always a friend. You've been in my life longer than you have not been in it. We started off rocky, I was young, I felt you stole my older sister from me when you married her. But then you gave me the 2 greatest joys in my life, Maya and Hana. I didn't think children could be so beautiful. You raised them in the most loving home, you gave them unconditional love and everything a child could desire. You kept my crazy sister sane, you dealt with her childish mannerisms, you loved her and you took care of her. You loved me, you always helped me and you never judged me. With a whole heart you forgave me for everything, and I forgive you for everything. I never got the chance to say goodbye to you. Allah did not give us the luxury of allotting us the time to tell you how much you mean to us. You were robbed of your life too young and unfairly. But nothing in life is unfair, it is all Allah's plan. It is all a game and we are merely pawns. You made me feel smart, you always had good intentions and you were a great role model. I will forever remember the struggles you went through to protect your family, my family.

You were an amazing man, you had an amazing heart. And your heart is what killed you in the end, metaphorically and literally. I wish I had the chance to tell you how much you mean to me. To thank you for raising my nieces with the highest sense of self esteem and pride. I call you my brother in law, but I proudly call you my brother. I am 22 years old and you have been in my life for 15 of those glorious years. I would trade anything to have you back in my life. I would give up any amounts of money to spend one more day with you. I know you're up their, smiling, and very aware of how dearly you are missed. 2011 started off by losing you, and there is no recovering from this year. I was angry at you at first for leaving, I was angry at Allah, I was angry at everyone, but I genuinly know you left because you knew it was your time.

I miss you, I love you and you will never be forgotten. You will live forever in your children, my nieces. And we will make sure they do your name justice. You were an amazing person, and I thank you for everything you have taught me in life. You're the only one that could relate to half the struggles I myself am currently going through, and you left me. You left your wife, you left my sister, you left your children, you left my nieces. But you are not really gone, you live inside of them. Every time they smile I see you. Every time they I see you holding them. We will be okay, because I know that is what you want. May you forever finally rest in peace. Life has given you hell, and now it is your chance to finally rest and be at peace.

It's not goodbye brother, it's till we meet again.

Ain't that funny...

I always wondered what it would be like if one day I woke up and no one knew who I was? If I just walked into work like normal, and everybody just stared at me in disbelief, wondering "who is she?, what is she doing here?" 

I always wonder this because I love the feeling of being unknown. The mystery of someone who walks into a place and everyone in there head thinks the same thing "oh wow, who is this?" But, being unknown is far different from people you love not recognizing you. But isn't it really the same thing when an addict becomes so heavily involved with ones addiction that their own friends and family no longer can recognize them? I have for many years struggled with substance abuse, and sometimes I feel that is how the outer world perceives me.

I always wonder what I am like when under the influence of a substance, and I always wonder what it's like on the outside. I have never dealt with anyone else that had an issue with any kind of substance, so I can never comment. I always ask my loved ones what it was like to have to deal with that, and I always get the same response... "you don't wanna know"

I don't wish it upon my worst enemy to go through what I have gone through, secretley and openly the struggles of which only one person can bear. That is ourselves. The path we choose is not an easy one, it is not one written in stone either. Along this path we can change direction and create another path within seconds. We can choose to keep going forward, stop, and or even go backwards. Time is a funny thing as well, it doesn't do anything but move forward, and I think we should take that as a sign, that we should as well move forward. Regardless of what has happened to us in the past. We are who we are. 

We can change it, but we cannot dwell on it. If we choose to dwell on it, we will lose all the funny that life can be and only gain the pain. 

Happiness is not a fish that you can catch.

Big Time Rush

Has anyone ever heard of this band? Maybe they are famous, but from where I currently am in the world it is hard to find out whats really "poppin'" in North America right now. I mean for gods sake, currently on MTV Korea they are showing SEASON 1 of Jersey Shore!! OMG so behind in the times.

So I have been watching a lot of Nickelodeon lately and there is this show that is called "Big Time Rush", chronicling the lives of these 4 young very cute boys in a fictional (or that's what i thought) boy band called "Big Time Rush". The show is all the made up adventures these boys go through with there band manager. OH and they attend a musical boarding school. I've only watched like 4 episodes BUT I AM IN LOVE I TELL YOU!!!!

I'm not gonna lie, I'm a bit of a pedophile at heart. I just love BOY BANDS!! Them and their feel good music, the inner 15 year old tween in me just wants to jump and dance. Every time I see these guys on TV my heart tingles a little bit...other parts of me might tingle too, but that's just not right to discuss.

BUT THEN SOMETHING CRAZY HAPPENED, I was watching another music channel today and I see a VIDEO...of Big Time Rush, and an actual song they have out...with you wouldn't believe WHO it is featuring...SNOOP DOG. You can check it out here

 

I couldn't post the original because it does not display here in S.Korea, BUT you can watch the official video here .

I don't know what it is about a kids shows and teen sensations and pop music in general that gets me going, but let me tell you, these boys really are the cutest of them all.

J.Beibs move the fuckk over...Big Time Rush is hurrr.

I mean for all I know these kids could have been famous and been around for a while and I am only NOW finding out about them...but in my eyes...they are NEW.

Someday...

I'm gonna make it right. Someday I'm gonna love you forever.

What is a definition of a true friend? To me a friend is someone who knows all about your past and present and still wants to be be apart of your future. A true friend is someone through thick and thin, no matter how large the mistake will look past it and see your sorrow and will still love you. A true friend does not judge you by how much money you have, how popular you are, how much weight you've gained, how much money you waste on foolish things, how broke you are right after payday, how stupid you get at the bar, how often you get kicked out of said bar, how stupid wasted you get and get naked and run around downtown. No a true friend will never judge you by the mistakes you've made, rather how you will fix these mistakes. A true friend, no matter how far you move away will still love you and never forget you. A true friend will waste their own time to fix your mistakes, will sit with you in an impound lot and tell you "it's okay". A friend bails you out from situations which you have mangled yourself into, but a true friend will be beside you while these situations happen and guide you through it. A true friend will sit with on a hardwood floor and cry, a true friend will leave everyone behind to make sure you have the greatest birthday ever, although you just got kicked out of your own party, a true friend will protect your house during a house party and will take a verbal beating from you because you're to drunk and to high to know any better. A true friend will clean up your mess even when you've ran away from the mess. 

A true friend will make you feel like you're at home just by talking to them, will tell you every detail of every emotion they feel because they know they will not judge you for it. A true friend is someone who doesn't have to ask "what happened?", they already know. A true friend is someone who cares about you unconditionally and will show you everyday, a true friend is someone you don't talk to for months but when you do it's like no time has even passed. A true friend tells you they miss you everyday and that they love you. A true friend always makes you feel included even when your thousands of miles away.

A true friend never steals from you, but shares everything with you, lets you pass out in their bed at 4am wasted even when they didn't go out that night, a true friend will never leave you stranded and will drive you at all hours of the night to get where you need to go to be happy. A true friend, lets you leave them in order for you to clean your own life up. A true friend is someone you can live with for months and never have an argument, a true friend is someone who always tells you the truth no matter how emotionally wrecking the truth can be. 

I have friends, and I have best friends. I grew up in a country foreign to me and alone at a very young age, my family was thousands of miles away, I only had friends to seek comfort in. I grew up and they grew up with me, some stayed, some left. I love each one passionately, but only a few of them hold a place in my heart. My hearts not that big, so if you're in there, you're a permanent residence. My friends grew to be the only family in a country so far way from home to be the only family I have. I love my parents, my brother and my sister, my nieces and all my relatives, but it's a hard to find comfort in them when they are miles away. I look to these special people for comfort in a land that I now call my home.

And the more time apart I spend from them, the more close I feel with them. I needed to leave to better myself, I will never blame my friends for my own mistakes, I will blame them for loving even though I made so many mistakes. I will never understand how I got so lucky to have people who are not even blood related that can love the way they love me. 

And I will forever be thankful for that. A true friend is someone who doesn't need to read a blog post to know how much I love and thank them for everything they have done. For every time I have put you in an awkward situation and for every time I have gotten into a rage and taken it out on you, I am sorry, but you know I unconditionally love you.

Someday I'm gonna get it right, my life
Someday I'm gonna figure it out, maybe tonight
Cause I know Imma get it right .

Once a whore always a whore

I tried, I really tried to avoid this fate for myself. But there is officially no stopping me now. I was to a child once, with big dreams for myself, most my dreams are in progress to coming true, but alas here I am with the frightening feeling that I have become.... a whore.

*I use the term whore very loosely. I don't mean it in a street hooker, I sell my body to the night or that I have sex with some random stranger from a bar wasted every night kind of way*

Don't start judging me quite yet. Really, somewhere along the line my dream of becoming a wholesome wife to a professional gentleman turned into the dream of mastering a high school game we started called "ass master 2005-present". Basically, who gets the most poon wins.

It wasn't always like this, once upon a star I was a wide-eyed, pre-teen about to hop onto a plane and move to this great ice land I had never been to before but read so much about in books...Canada. Good 'ol Canada. God bless this monster of a country. None the less, that 13 year old started Junior High, barely speaking any English and developed new dreams of becoming a famous pop star, touring the world with the Spice Girls. Then that girl met a boy at a bus stop, fell madly in "love" and let him stick his wang in her pikachu. Suddenly my new dream was to master this new craft I had just encountered and learned. Now I was going to become a sex star....okay no not really, I actually don't even enjoy the act, I think it was the competition aspect of it that intrigues me.

Now before you start thinking "omg, what a terrible way to lose it" or "what a horrible experience that must have been, so young so innocent", remember I ended up dating this boy for 2 years, which is a milenia in teen years, and we are to this day very good friends. But ah, that was only the beginning, the beginning of a life long string of whore like activity for myself.

Not to mention that during most of my life I've had a steady long term serious boyfriend, that's right, I was THAT girl. I'm not proud of my past, but I am not ashamed of it, we all make mistakes and unfortunately I made my mistake over and over again for a year straight during a 6 year long relationship. You would be safe to assume, he hates me, I ruined his life, he will never trust women again and we are no longer together. 

I learned my lesson, shouldn't have treated him like a dirtbag and should have valued what we had, but none the less, I only did it because it was one of those relationships where everything was so perfect between us and we had been together forever! There was no legit reason I could find to breaking up with him, but I couldn't just break up with him because I didn't wanna be with him anymore could I? Duhhhhh of course I could, but no I chose the HIGH ROAD, and decided to just ruin his manhood instead. Clearly the better ethical choice right? Blah, if I knew then what I know now. Unfortunately the next day after we broke up, I decided to date one of the guys I had secretly been with during that relationship & now openly be with him. Dated for a one year and I can tell you that it failed miserably just recently due to, well because he doesn't trust me. And why would he? I mean I cheated on my previous boyfriend WITH him...yeah. I love when previous relationships ruin present ones. Great, juussssst great.

But I sometimes think about it, like yes, I made a mistake, learned from it, swore to myself I would never do that again, would never be caught in a situation like that ever again. But I wonder, how much can one person REALLLLY change?? Like now since I have vowed to never cheat again, and won't be with someone unless I know I won't do that to them, it seems like I will be single forever then. Because I love the single life, I haven't experienced it in so long. This new territory, and casual sexual encounters and how easy breezy sex with a male can be, no strings attached scares the shit out of me. I am falling in love with the whore life. It's just so much easier, no one to fuckin annoy you at all times of the night, no one that checks up on you, no one that wants to go out with you all the time, no one that you have to make sure you shave your legs for. Nobody you have to please EVER. For the first time ever, I'm in a relationship with someone that cares about me, I'm in a relationship with myself. The greatest companion ever.

But what now? What if now, in order to be an honest and non cheating whore bag, morally right and ethical person, I turn into a casual sex whorebag? I don't want to be single forever?! But I don't think I will ever like another man enough to be monogamous for him. I just love, love too much. But then again, I eventually want some mini Shays? What is a girl to do, I went from being a whore in a relationship, to a single whore.

I am afraid to admit that, but maybe it's true what they say, once a whore...always a whore.

Damsels in distress

The one thing I cannot stand about the Indo-Arab culture that I am so proudly from is our fucked up perception of beauty. Here is a little ShayShay history lesson, to clarify where in the world I am from. My Papa is from Kuwait and my Mama is from Burma aka Mayanmar, my mother went to University in Kuwait, thus meeting my Papa fell madly in love, got married and gave birth to 3 horrendously beautiful children, the littlest/youngest one being ME of course. How else would I have become such a brat? Ha Ha. Thus, I am half from Indian decent, and half Arab decent. Although in my religion of Islam (yes, shockingly I am a Muslim, nobody said I was a good one though) you only take your fathers ethnicity, so I am a full blooded Arab if anybody asks *shiftyeyes*. I explain that my mother is of somewhat Indian decent for the readers who wonder "hmm why does she look so East Indian sometimes..." THAT is why!

Okay back to my rant.

In Indian culture to be born with dark skin is the biggest birth defect you can have! Yes I said DEFECT. It is a shameful thing to have dark skin, and you are taught to spend your entire life trying to cover it up! Forcing yourself to wear ghostly foundation to make your face whiter. The Bollywood culture preaches teens to use "fair and lovely" creams to make your skin whiter, not explaining that a) this creates MAJOR self esteem issues and b) how horrible the side affects of these chemicals on your always developing skin is.

I was lucky enough to grow up in a household where both my parents thought their children were ultimate beauties, and gods gifts to earth, and definitely made clear we knew it to. I'm not trying to be cocky but in our culture you need parents like that to make sure you don't grow up to be an insecure rat. Which so many of my Desi girlfriends grew up to be unfortunately. Having light skin is a sign of beauty and you can see it everywhere in bollywood. It really grosses me out. In general people from South India are known for their dark skin, and I think it is honestly what makes them so beautiful!! Their gorgeous dark skin makes their sharp features stick out even more. I find that about them to be jaw dropping .

I really hate that Indian girls feel the need to change their skin color to find beauty within themselves. I love my skin color, and if someone paid me I wouldn't change it....well that is a lie, I would so change it if it was a good reasonable sum of money. I'm thinking like a good 50 million and upwards. That is just the street whore in me thinking out loud again.

I don't think the definition of beauty lies in your skin color but more so in your features and how you present yourself. I truly believe that if YOU find yourself beautiful so will everyone that looks at you. Confidence is the most beautiful thing, possessing it can make you a deathly weapon in the game of life.

So listen up you damsels in distress!! Don't ever be ashamed of your dark coco skin, it is what defines you and makes you so beautiful. Love the skin your in. Applying chemicals to your skin to make yourself more "fair" makes you a shallow ugly person.

Live life to the fullest.

The Seoul of Asia

Annyeonghaseyo!!! (Hello!) 

I have now been in Seoul for 1 month and not gonna lie its been a spectacular month!! I have been exploring this great metropolis that is Seoul everyday and everyday I see something new. I have seen everything from the poorest of the poor to the most elite shopping department stores that I feel inappropriate just walking inside!!

The top 10 things I love about Korea SO FAR would have to be;

10) Food! I love all the seafood here. The freshest of the freshest and the cheapest of the cheapest! Buying huge platters of the most delicious fresh sushi for only say about $15 USD, when in Canada that would be a good $50-$100, not even joking. And not to mention the abundant places to eat! and how late every type of restaurant is open. 90% of restaurants here are a) cheap b) OPEN 24 HOURS!! Not gonna lie, some stuff here is REALLY disgusting, I mean I in general do not eat any pork but man they eat some nasty parts of all animals, and a lot of pig by products. And....dogs. No comment on that, it grosses me out.

9) The subway system- although I LOVEEE driving, and just cruising down the road listening to your fav songs and jamming with your friends...the simplicity of Seouls INTENSELY complex subway system is amazing, you can literally get to every nook and cranny of South Korea and Seoul with it...and its CHEAP. I have spent about $50 in subway tickets for the entire month, which is the least I have EVER spent in my life on transportation, hell I buy $80 of gas a week back in Canada. NOT MISSING THAT AT ALL. And not to mention all the comedic stuff you can see everyday by riding the subway!

8) Taxi's! Ahhh yes, even though there subway system is awesome, it is still a tiresome after a long 14 hour day at work sometimes you just don't feel like walking and waiting for the train, but no problem!! Taxi's are disgustingly cheap here!! Like straight up costs about $5 to go from my work to home which is a good 20-30min drive. In Calgary that would be like $50 dollars. Yuck.

7) PEOPLE. This one comes with discretion though, I am not gonna lie I have already gotten into 4 different verbal and almost physical fights with 4 different old people LOL. The elder, less educated crowd here is like it is anywhere in Asia, from India to China I have seen this time and time again, they are racists. Racism is SLOWLY going down here, but the general dislike for foreigners you can definitely feel with some people. The younger generation, my age and beyond are VERY welcoming though, they LOVE foreigners. Especially you lucky whities hehe. But no complaints from me, everyone stares at me in amazement here, and my receptionist thinks I am big time Bollywood celebrity LOL...hell I don't argue ha.

6)  SHOPPING!!!!! OMG Shopping is SPECTACULAR here! I have already spent no joke a good 5 grand on just clothing, that doesn't include shoes and accessories and omg MAKEUP. One thing though that I have had difficulty with is SIZES, people here are so small (obviously the Asian culture and I mean all Asian cultures, Indian, Chinese, Japanese etc, are in general very small sized people, especially women, don't ask where I came to be such a monster considering I'm also from Asian decent but alas that Arab in me takes over) Good luck to you finding shoes that are any sizes bigger than size 8!! I am a size 9, and I have only found ONE store that sells my size so far. And pants!! Yikes, I don't consider myself to be a LARGE person by any means, I mean duh I have gained my fair share of winter fat haha, but I am in no way over weight, but here GOOD LUCK finding pants if your anything bigger than a size 26!! But who cares! I don't even wear pants!! haah I'm a dresses and tunics type of gal...and this is YOUR CITY if you also are. OMG. Just amazing shopping, so different, so stylish. I literally shop till I drop everyday. I'm gonna need a new closet soon.

5) Clubs!! Seoul is literally a city that never sleeps, especially their nightlife. Liquor is disgustingly cheap here, an average drink at a super fancy club costs about $3, and beer or Soju which is super popular here costs about $1, and it will get you fucked up. House music is SO popular here and literally every club plays it. It's GREAT. Also, Kereokee is soo popular, and SO MUCH FUN. I love it. I love the lounges and just everything to do with their night life. Cheap and fun, my kinda night out!!

4) The history. In general I really like the Korean culture, but I also love how much history there is in this City. There is a fascinating museum on every block. And they do not cost much to go in. From their war memorial to their Art galleries, they are rich in culture. This country has gone from a almost 5th world country to a 2nd world, and now almost a 1st world country in a matter of 20 years. The amount, from wars, economical development and to technological development this country has seen and done it all. I love how nationalistic people are here, they will pay $10 more just to buy local stuff, then to buy consumer goods marketed in from around the world. You will see only 3 types of cars here EVER I dare you to find a domestic. Kia and or Hyundai (same company) Mercedes and BMW. I really envy there nationalism and how hard they work to preserve their nation and their culture. And not to mention the DMZ being oh just around the corner. The fact that a part of Korea is still communism and under such humanity turmoil, the South Koreans still support and want freedom for North Korea.

3) Festivals!! Gah, I love waking up hungover on Saturday morning to see yet another festival and don't forget about the protest on the other side of the street ! There is constant actions 7 days a week I swear to god, but more so on the weekend. There is some street festival, free of charge to attend and their is some social group protesting at the parliament every weekend. Before you know it 7 hours has gone by and you've only spent it at one festival. There are like several going on all over town, the best ones are in their downtown core though.

2) This one may come as a horrible shock to you but my number 2 most favorite thing in Seoul would be.....ALL THE BURGER KINGS!! God I know that probably sounds horrible that a fast food joint is my number 2. But to be honest, even in a big city like Calgary, there are only about 4 Burger Kings. Here in Seoul there is seriously one on every corner!!!! It makes me sooo happy.

1) FASHION!! My favorite absolute FAVORITE THING ABOUT SEOUL is every single persons FASHION and STYLE. I cannot begin to explain how much I envy Asian peoples fashion. No matter where you go everyone here is dressed to a the TEE. I dare you to find someone not wearing designer this and designer that. Even if they aren't spending thousands of dollars on their clothing, dressing well has nothing in my opinion to do with AMOUNT OF MONEY, its to do with personal STYLE. And ladies, Koreans got dat shit dowwwwn pat. Everyone wears heels and walks around in them none the less for a good 9 hours a day!! Women are dressed like they are going to a fancy dinner at all times, and that is my kinda city. Back home in Calgary everyone is SOOO lazy with style. Jeans and a T-shirt. BOO. I always look like I'm over dressed, but HERE, HERE I found my home. I always fit in and feel at home, its WONDERFUL. I just love walking around downtown just staring at what everyone is wearing. The style amongst the younger generation here is IMPECCABLE!

Okay!! I hope that with my top 10 you have now been convinced to come to South Korea!! I love it here, but yet again, I miss my lovebugs back home. They will always be my number ONE.

You know what I don't get?

When ugly girls have really hot boyfriends? LIKE WTF. What am I doing wrong?? Why do only skinny retards wanna date me? and the meat-heads I like only wanna fcuk me?? WHAT IS GOING ON WITH THE WORLD?!?! Why do gremlin chunky ass bitches get such hot meathead boyfriends?? I don't understand why a jacked smart guy would wanna be with a little meatball snooki look alike? I see this over and over again way to often. From Canada to Asia, I see this crime everywhere. I personally would not wanna be with a guy better looking than myself, or uglier than me either though. I would want an equal in hotness, that way there is no insecurities and you know where each other stands.  And whats with this white man loving Asians obsession? Don't even get me started on that...that one requires a post of its own.

To make it clear as to WHY this even came up in my brain....here is a tiny little story for your gorgeous ears. Today I go to work, its Friday, it is also the end of my FIRST WEEK of work here in SK. So I am pretty amped to end my day and get going with my weekend. Soooooo...the day is chugging along, and lunch time rolls around and I head out with my new BFF Ocean, to lunch at this Taco joint in downtown, (leave it to ME to be eating taco's in Seoul lol) regardless, were eating and these 3 guys walk in, they recognize that we have the same key card necklaces (they're the swipe-ey cards used for anyone that works in the same giant 40 floors skyscraper we work in) so they wave at us and sit down at our table and they make small talk with us.

Let me describe these guys to you...two words...FUCKIN SEXXY. Foreigners yes, sexxxy time YESS. So they are these 3 guys that came in from Dakota for a 2 week training program here in Seoul, this was there first day at training. My oh my were they hot, built, and just dammit it to hell so hot. AND TALL. Mmm my cup of tea...sooooo Ocean is like hitting it off with one guy and I'm hitting it off with my guy (name being John), and the third older guy just keeps chatting on his phone...to his GF, so hes OUT. LOL. To cut a long story short, Ocean's guy asks her to dinner at a nice restaurant, my guys asks me to dinner in his hotel room...Why the hell did my guy not invite me OUT for dinner? LIKE WTH. IS THERE A GIANT NEON SIGN ON MY HEAD THAT SAYS "LOOKING 2 BANG" that I don't know about?!!? Like why don't the guys I like ask me to dinner, but the guys I am SOO not into do, and the guys I do like just wanna bang?

Like that's cool by me, not gonna lie, not really looking for a relationship, I'm kinda looking to focus on myself for the first time since age 14. I think I owe it to myself to be single and figure out who the hell I am in the first place, then I will be able to figure out what it is I want in a man.

BUT ITS THE THOUGHT THAT COUNTS!!! Maybe its the years and years of cheating on my very respectable ex boyfriend, maybe it is karma kicking my asshole. Hell I deserve it. I mean I've spent a good chunk of my life in a relationship with one man, and for a good chunk of that relationship I treated him like  a bag of shit. To be single for the first time in 6 years is a splendid feeling, but I really realize I have lost my game.

No, not the kind of game you're thinking of...not the game where I can't get a guy to be interested in me, but I can't be SERIOUS about it with a guy, I've always been used to having a steady boyfriend, and all the other men in my life were just to fuck around with. Well, now I no longer have a steady boyfriend, but all the men in my life are still just people I wanna fuck around with. God this is so confusing, I needed to get it out. Ha Ha. Now THAT was some serious journalism for you. lololol

Where the heck am I?

Well, I can assure you I'm not in Calgary any more. On March10th, 2011 I took a flight of a lifetime and a chance of a lifetime too perhaps to spend some time and better myself...all the way here in Seoul, South Korea.

The main reason I am here is of course to work and gain more experience, on April 4th, 2011 I will be starting as a Junior Accountant at the Aramco division here in SK, mainly doing Accounts based around Hyundai Shipping Corp. I have done many jobs in my life, and have walked amongst some amazing, RICH, and heavily influential people. BUT for the first time ever, I can assure you that I AM SO NERVOUS to start this venture. 

I came here about a month earlier, to adjust myself to the Seoul. I mean its one thing going to a totally different continent but its another thing to figure out the new city you live in! Especially when its such a metropolitan city like Seoul. The subway line alone confuses me to no end!! So far SO GOOD though. I do not know a TON of people here, but I do know enough to make the time go by, and hopefully once I start work, I can create a more exciting life in the social department. Then again, coming from the social life I left behind in Calgary, Canada...I'm pretty sure everything will seem mundane.

AH HA! But my friends, that is the whole point of me coming here. To TONE IT THE F&%# DOWN!! To tone my life down, to tone my attitude down, to tone my language down, to tone my ego down, to tone everything down!!! The simple life is what I am leading here, and its a huge reality slap across my very perfect face.

I miss my friends dearly, but I appreciate them 10x more now, then I did before. I never realized how my life revolves around them. Not saying it's a bad thing, BUT it isn't a good thing. I like that I am learning more about myself and learning to well, BE BY MYSELF for once! I have lived a life of constant nurture, whether it be from my parents, my siblings or my friends. I have constantly been baby'd, my life has been protected by everyone around. FOR ONCE, I am by myself, feeling what so many people feel on a daily basis, loneliness, and I am not gonna lie...I kinda like it.

So back to the topic at hand, WHERE THE HECK AM I? I'm in Seoul, South Korea, and I'm starting a new life. Not gonna forget about the old one, but I'm definitely looking forward to the new chapter in my life.

"Without the Way there is no going; without the Truth there is no knowing; without the Life there is no living."
Thomas A Kempis

Well herrro!!

So I have finally recovered my blog from 2005!! And let me tell ya'll WOW I deleted some horrible shit I used to blog about. I just spent the last 3 hours reading through all my old blogs from like 2005 when I was in grades,10,11 and 12, and man I was an idiot! Talk about a walk down memory lane.

Oh how the times have changed, I am 22 now, going on to 23 this October, and a hell of a lot wiser!! Not that its making much of a difference, still causing a shit ton of trouble around the world haha.

Anyways, I deleted all my previous blogs, due to the content being very immature and it being a part of my life, I do not regret, but I don't need the whole world to be reminded of.

I have had the most amazing teenage years and I definitely pay homage to my friends who have stuck by me through out all these years, but I can safely say I am not friends with 90% of the people that created the inhuman monster I am sad to say I have become.

Don't worry!! I am currently working on myself and my behavior, I am going to change myself and my motives in life. I am going to stop treating people like pawns in my cryptic game of life. Life is definitely a journey and it has brought me to great conclusions, and I have met some great people along the way and can also again safely say that at 22 (almost 23!) I have some of the worlds most amazing, incredible, most loving, good hearted friends a human being could ask for. I have people in my life that would give their right arm to see me happy, and I can finally work on myself.

I hope everyone enjoys my blogs, and enjoys my sudden but random updates in life.

Cheers!

Yours truly,

Shaireen