If you don't follow the NHL you're not gonna get this...

Did you here about the court case in Edmonton about the child whose parents beat him? He is I think 7 or 8 The judge said I am going to send you to live with your uncle who also lived in Edmonton. However the child said that his uncle was just as bad as his parents. The judge was surprised and she then said ok I will send you to your grand parents to live with them. However the child said they are the worst by far they beat me just about every time I'm there I don't want to live there. So the judge said your kinda young but I would take into account the people who you would want to live with into my considerations. The young boy thought for a moment said I would like to live with the Edmonton Oilers because they can't beat anybody.

Can't keep my hands out the cookie jar!

I've been wanting to write about my fear of monogamy for many days now. But I feel as if I put way to much negative emphasis on relationships as it is. I also don't want my blog to become just rants and raves about my not so poetic love life. But for some reason, it seems to be the thing that stares at me in the face begging me to ask questions about it. I think monogamy is against human nature, not saying I don't practice monogamy, but by basic instincts it is REALLY hard to monogamous. I don't know if it's just me, or if its the fact that I have this constant buzzing noise in my head telling me to "hurt him before he can hurt you" bullshit going on. Orrr if its the fact that I genuinely have way to BIG of a HEART to just love one person. Am I wrong to think that if I have to put EFFORT into being with just one person, and it anyways in turn isn't making me happy, that I shouldn't do it? Will I end up dying lonely and bitter? I don't know. BUT I will find out.

Sad to say

Sad to say that I have 2 weeks and 4 days left here in this beautiful country of South Korea. I am getting VERY anxious to go home, but now that the time is creeping up so much faster than I wanted it to, I am getting really sad. I mean I've been here for about 5 months, and I have gotten attached to people, places and things already!! I have made some amazing friends, one in particular that is going to always be apart of my heart. Korea in general will hold a huge part of my heart, and will be the main reason for so much of my growth and maturity. I have never been so happy as I have been here. I have never had such a clear head and stress free as I have been here. But, back to reality, I knew it couldn't last forever. But indeed this is exactly what I needed.

Speaking of Dating...

I just finished reading an e-mail one of my really good friends sent me! I thought it was so sweet!! So I am gonna share part of it with the internet. Haha.

"Ok, so I can't take it anymore. She's just too goddam beautiful for YOU!!!

Dear young man who wishes to date Shay,

These are the rules you are to follow

Rule 1: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule 2: always think of this before you do something I might find questionable " her friend Pin is a nutcase with very questionable friends and can most likely stomp me, out run me, cut me into little pieces and have them fed to pigs, and if need be shoot me from 200 meters away with ease"

Rule 3: Keep your hands to yourself, or I'll take them away from you.

Rule 4: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with Shay. Otherwise, once you have gone out with her, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you.

Rule 5: If she cries, YOU cry.

Rule 6: I'm a trucker......extremely mobile. Even though I am half a world away, dont think I wont be around when you come asking about Shay. If necessary, plane tickets are extremely cheap.

Rule 7: Though you may have already faced down somebody else's hulking friends, I'm the crazy one.

Rule 8: If there is any question about the truth of Rule Seven, I will give you one opportunity to out-shoot me on the range.

Rule 9: Cute nicknames for Shay will not be used unless you are married. Is that clear, Honeybunch?

Rule 10: Your eyes are NOT to wander below chin level on Shay.

Rule 11: If you can't show your long-range projected financial earnings, pass her dad's inspection, keep your room clean, shower regularly, and in all other ways demonstrate why you should be allowed to come within fifty feet of Shay, forget it!

Thank you,
(I will let you choose if you get to call me Pin or Death by your actions) "

Haha, I love him, this was regarding someone who had displayed interest in dating me when I moved back to Calgary and what my friend was gonna say to him when he tried to make a move. Love youuuuu you crazy protective psychotic friends of mine.

Internet Dating, a world I will never understand...

So recently I have gone through a pretty shitty breakup. My loving friends have also brought to my attention that they don't like my single life so much. Ha. I guess I have taken the extreme turn from having a boyfriend for the better part of my adult life, (since I was 13) and have not been single since that age, my extreme turn to YEAH SINGLE LIFE, is apparently alarming to my said friends.

I mean, I am not gonna lie, HOW IS IT THAT I DIDN'T KNOW HOW AMAZING IT WAS TO BE SINGLE ALL THIS TIME?!?! I have genuinely been missing out. I'm not saying that I will never date again, but I am taking a solid break. I'm thinking for the next year or so. Seriously, I am loving casual encounters and not having to worry about someones opinion constantly, and having to live up to someones unreasonable expectations, controlling attitude and psychoanalyzing everything I do. Maaaaaybe it was the kind of guy I dated that turned me off so much. But I think it's fair I give some time to be by myself, and dedicate to me. I think I deserve THAT much, no?

I haven't been single since I was 13 going on 14 people!!! 

With that being said, my friends SIGNED ME UP for a dating site. I won't say which one, but I didn't know they had done so. Until I suddenly got all these random requests on my e-mail. And then I knew what was up.

I wasn't mad, if anything I was kind of offended. That they think I couldn't find a guy is why I was single? Nah bro's, on the contrary, I am CHOOSING to be single. I have yet to find someone that is worthy of my time, I just don't see the point in wasting my time with guys I know I see no future with. I'll just sleep around and get my fill for the time being. LOL.

Jokes aside, what's with some of the guys on dating sites? Like why the need to send such disgusting repulsive messages to women? And my big question is DOES IT ACTUALLY WORK!? DO people actually respond to such vulgar comments made to them? And like do men get messages from women? I know if my life depended on it I wouldn't send someone a message on the site I am on, due to the simple fact that my EGO is way to big for that. I have yet to reply to a single person either, if anything it is amazing entertainment during work. I'm definitely not trying to be snotty, the whole reason my friends signed me up was due to the fact that they think CLEARLY the men I am currently meeting are not working out for me and they think I need to broaden my horizons. I can see their point, but does the internet REALLY bring out the best men?

Me not replying to anyone on this site has nothing to do with my ego being to big, none of these men have said anything of value or anything that would make me attracted to them. Saying shit like "HEY BABY UR SO YUMMY" is not making me want to reply to you and thus meet you in real life.

Which brings me to my next point...meeting somoene off the internet. I have met one person off the internet, very randomly once. And I don't even know if this is considered meeting someone off the internet as so much as I used to post on a local website catered to my home city, and someone in the forum I used to post recognized me one night at a bar. It was weird to say the least, cause I did not recognize them one bit.

I don't know if I could meet someone like that intentionally though, I am such a pussy. I am scared of people killing me at all times. I mean but in reality whats the big difference than when I go out with a guy I have only met once? I know him the same amount as I know whoever I have been talking to on said dating site technically right? But that's the thing the whole awkward "what's he really gonna look like" part never arises in meeting UP with someone. Even if you met said person when you were heavily intoxicated...sometimes turns out the same way too!!

I don't know, I guess the whole online dating thing will take some time to get used to if I ever get used to it even. I mean I have some girlfriends that have met AMAZING guys off this site, and their current boyfriends. But my lack of trying, effort, and not wanting a boyfriend, combined with the intense amount of ugly, creepy, old, pig like men messaging me might be a deathly awkward fucking WEIRD scenario.

Well, I guess I will find out.

Am I total bitch?

I have been called many things in my life, funny names, names of endearment, insults, racist names, you name it and I've been called it. The one I get a lot is "bitch" though, both in a "You are such a bitch, I love it!" and in a "You're such a bitchy cunt" kind of way. I never really thought about it till my Mother brought it up to me the other day over a phone conversation...that maybe I am a total bitch. I don't take anything seriously until my MOTHER says it to me for some reason.

I am one of those people that hate talking to random strangers, I am not even going to pretend I give a hoot about your day just because you're sitting beside my on the subway. I do not care what your travel plans are, how many kids you have, where you are from, why you're going wherever you're going and don't think the 15 hour plane right sitting beside each other we have is gonna change my mind. I just don't see the the use in useless banter with someone that will lead to nothing. I'd rather be left alone and listen to my music and read my books. 

I AM that girl when I go on trips with my friends to resorts in Cancun, Cuba, Dom Rep, Costa Rica that does the LEAST socializing with other tourists and I do not enjoy random groups of guys coming up to us in the pool to "see what our plans for the evening are". I am here on a vacation, not there to make fuckin friends, as you can see *points to group of friends* I already have some great ones.

I tend to be a very likable person though, I get along with people at work, I've always been really popular amongst people and I am definitely the loud obnoxious life of the party. I have countless groups of friends, so I don't consider myself to be anti social if anything I am the opposite, most of my relationships with men have failed due to ugh lets just say how OUTGOING I can be.

BUT when it comes to everyday life, I just don't like making the time to talk to people, I hate when I am at the airport with my friends or family and other people try and talk to us, and everyone says I am "such a bitch" for blatantly ignoring the conversation my friends or family are having with these random strangers. Or eating lunch by myself during work and people from other departments have to talk to me about their weekends, like does this look like a face that cares?? I mean, people in general like me I tend to notice, I don't know WHY, but it just happens. ALSO, I am NOT trying to sound concieted AT ALL, I am just saying that because I don't want people to think "well you're a bitch and thats why you have no friends and no one likes you", nah totally the opposite, it seems people wanna annoy me with their useless banter EVEN MORE because they think I am a "bitch" which I do not think I am. 

It's not like I am RUDE, or MEAN to people on an everday basis, when someone does talk to me I'll answer whatever they ask, and reply to whatever they said, I won't just flat out ignore someone, but I do try my damned hardest too.

I REALLY value silence.

Does this qualify me to be a bitch? Is that not normal? Is there anyone else out there that does this? Or am I just a total bitch? I always figured since I had a lot of friends, good ones at that, and was in general nice to people, I passed the "not a bitch test"...due to recent events I guess I was wrong. 

One Night in Bangkok

One night in Bangkok and the worlds your oyster.

"Thanks to Hangover 2 for reminding me of this GEM"- Tyler Cloherty...and thank you Tyler for reminding me of this fuckin classic !!!!

Peanut butter jelly time!

SOO I have come to terms with the fact that I am no g-unit. For many years as a young lad, I thought I was definitely the next LIL KIM. You know I used to spit game like a mother fucker. I soon realized my suburban lifestyle, and very much non hardknock life really doesn't give you much to spit game about...BUT YOU KNOW LIFE CAN BE HARD ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE TRACKS TOO, I still haven't figured out yet what it is that makes it so tough...BUT ONE DAY I'LL SHOW YOU!

I miss you in the morning and in zee afternoon

O Canada, my home and definitley not my native land! But I miss thee. Oh so much. I don't know whether it is the fact that I am getting kind of bored with life here in South Korea? Or the fact that me moving back to Canada is coming up in a month that is making me feel so homesick. But either way, I am homesick. I want my Tim Horton's and I want my god damn Canadian Maple syrup, DONE RIGHT. 

That is all.

Word to the wise...

The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

Blog lovin...

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Girls, Girls, Girls!!

Yes you girls!! You really know how to pull a fast one I tell yeah! 

Something that has bothering me lately and unfortunately from personal experience I speak of this subject, is girls and what happens when a girl gets a boyfriend! I know I know this topic has been covered by SO many people, and so many people have the same opinions as me. But here goes my two cents on the issue.

I have noticed for many years now amongst my girlfriends, (don't get me wrong not ALL of them are like this, especially myself, but a couple here and there are) that they CHANGE when they are in a relationship? Why is that? Can anyone explain what goes on in your brain when that happens? I mean of course naturally people over time change, that is inevitable, but whats with the attitude ladies?

I do not understand why when women get a significant other they magically forget about the lives and the people in them before they had this said magic man in their life!?! Why do girls feel the need to constantly either be with their boyfriends, talk about their boyfriends, not have ANY life whatsoever outside of their relationship, yet when this relationship comes to its magical end which it always does, they come crying back to you, but for the last 2 years you basically didn't even exist to them?

Women who value some guy who just came into their life and have known for a week, over valuing friendships with people they have had for years reallllly erks me the wrong way. I myself just do not understand that!??! I have had plenty o boyfriends in my life, some shitty, some good, meh more so shitty than good, but none the less even when I dated my last boyfriend for the past 5 years of my life, I never once abandoned my friends. I'm actually the total polar opposite, I REFUSE to date a guy who cannot mingle with my friends, and someone my friends do not approve of. I would never choose a guy over my buddies. It just is not in my nature to do so.

And I am not saying that these girls just full on abandon their friends and never speak to them, I mean of course some do which is completely retarded as well. But I am saying that slowly but surely they become obsessed with their boyfriends and cannot be without them. Can't you have a girls night? Or just a close friends night without your damn boyfriend glued to your hips? The funny part is that most the time guys end up breaking up with these girls due to the fact that they are so clingy. I have more male friends than I do girl friends, it just happened like that, now these are all my childhood male friends that are total platonic relationships, literally my brothers. Annnnnd, I know as a fact that they don't like when girls don't have their own separate lives, friends of their own. I love doing things with my boyfriend, and having him around with my friends. But I do not need him there everyday, every moment of my life. I can LIVE without him.

Girls, if you're the kind of gal that constantly talks about your boyfriend to your friends, always ditches your real friends for your boyfriend, that never returns texts because of your boyfriend, won't go out without him, and or thinks that the world revolves around your BOYFRIEND, then I tell you this now, in case no one has said this to you before GET YOUR FUCKIN HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS. He is not the entire world, don't forget those you love you for you and not your pussy. Don't be a little bitch because one day he too shall piss on your face and break your heart and you will go crying back to your friends, and because they are such loving people they will take you back, but remember what happened to the boy who cried wolf? ONE DAY they will not take you back. Because as a part of human nature, we can only tolerate your bitch ass attitude for so long. Eventually this to shall come to an end. And you will then truly be alone in the world.

PEACE OUT.

A long weekend in Busan!

Long weekend here, and me and "J" decided to hit the beaches and frolick in the sun and sand in Pusan for it!! Good idea it was!! Busan or "Pusan" as it was once upon a time called, is the second largest city in South Korea, of approx 7 million in population. It is indeed a beautiful city!! With the water, and the beach ( not a huge one but still fun ) and the amazing restaurants, it was indeed a much needed break away from the city and work I needed. 

Downfalls of Busan, if you're planning on and or want to go, the nightlife for sure. I mean, don't get me wrong, this weekend was by far the best weekend to have gone to Busan, due to it being a long weekend. BUT that being said, it also meant that EVERY foreigner in South Korea had taken the same trip we had and went out to Busan!! It was FILLED with foreigners, perhaps a 3:1 ration between foreigners and Koreans!! Not really my favorite part either, felt like I was back in Vancouver! Crazy I tell ya. Over all it was a good time though. Short but sweet. But back to the downfall, the nightlife compared to Seoul is mediocre for sure. Seoul there is more things to do in a span of 3 hours than I have seen anywhere in my life. An abundance of clubs to choose from, whether you're ballering it up at the club, being the middle man and or you're just completly broke ass, there is like at least 500 places to go that you would have an amazzzzing time at!!

Busan, meh not so much. I've seen better. Definitely don't go there to party in clubs and or for the music in clubs!! Go for some great patio times, and of course beach bum drinking!!!

You know what I love?

Daytime drinking. It is highly under rated and severely overlooked. Not to mention looked down upon. But WHY?! It's the healthiest way to get boozing done without ruining a day. Like yesterday for example, had the day off, so me and friend decided we'd go for some drinks, you know summer time patio drinks are the best. Can't waste a beautiful day right?!? Sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo, noon rolls around, we roll up to a outdoor patio in Hongdae, have some brewskys, which lead to shots which leads to beer pong which leads to Shay being drunk at 3pm on a Thursday afternoon. It was great!!!! Got loaded, was passed out by 8pm, woke up at 2am, totally hungover, ate some food, watched some TV, ate some more food, relaxed, and went back to sleep at 5am, woke up at 9am, FEELING GREAT, went to work today, having a GREAT day so far! And not to mention a productive one as well!! Annnnnnnnd can go home relax un-wind for my big trip to Busan this weekend!!!

So why don't people do this more often? Normally, I would have gotten schmammered tonight, been hungover ALL day tomorrow, felt like shit and made absolute waste of a good Saturday.  Instead, daytime drinking causes no interferences with YOUR DAY!!! 

Obviously there are many flaws to this theory, like oh I don't know, ummm this thing I call WORK. You know how most people WORK during the day. Yeah, and if one were to take days off from work to drink, well then, we have a problem. SO NEW CONCLUSION, DAYS OFF FROM WORK, I will drink during the day from now on! 

Jokes aside, we all know getting schmammered is a giant waste of time. But well, so is anything! Meh you only live once, as long as you have your priorities in check and it doesn't affect your life and your livelihood, I see no harm in the occasional hurrah!

5 more weeks...

 Until I can see the loves of my life again. I miss you so much. I just wanna kiss each of you so much. I love you with all my heart.

What's the plan Stan?

What's the plan? The plan is simple, read, write, discuss, and perhaps eat a couple of BK burgers. That's so far what I have accomplished. I need my plans to start replicating my mind more, like I need to quit eating out. My ass and hips are gonna soon become titanic size. Healthy lifestyle. This is what I need. This is what I want. Yes Yes. That is my new plan. Yes that is the plan Stan.

People who...

People who take the internet SO SERIOUSLY really fuckin annoy me.

I cannot for the life of me understand how people "STRESS" over how many followers they have, on twitter, blogger, whatever! Or how many comments they are getting etc and are obsessed with being internet famous. I just do not fuckin understand. Where the fuck did your real life go?

Oh and if you are one of those idiots that take the interweb seriously, I recommend you fuckin commit suicide now. You're level of stupidity and existence in the world is no longer required thank you for playing, try again in your next life.

People who say things like "omg how can I ever respond to ALL my comments" or "omg I have so many followers and so many comments, I am so stressed out"....UMMMMM what the fuck are you stressed out about? That a bunch of tweebs online, read your post and fuckin commented on it?? Seriously, holy fuck. These hipster kids, and adults these days are just relentless and they are fuckin swarming the world!!

If you are one of these people, that fuckin exaggerate you're menial internet fame into something more than a fuckin fantasy then I repeat do the rest of the world a favor, (you know us folks that are LIVING IN THE REAL WORLD) and commit fuckin suicide.

Wow, that felt nice to let out.

Land of the Morning Calm

How far we travel in life matters far less than those we meet along the way.

Lust, lust, lust...

 All I do is lust lust lust. Today was a bleak day, rainy, poury, not such a glory. I applied for teaching positions in Costa Rica. My last visit was far to short, should make it more permanent no? Don't worry, don't fret, let the world do as it pleases and don't regret.

WOW

WOW, have I ever been neglectful to my online world. Finally went on skype the other day to talk virtually to some real life loves of my life.

But honestly have been so preoccupied with work and all the other daily grinds of life I have not had the chance to even sit down to write about the incredible occurrences in my life this past month basically!!

So much to document, (cause really, who other than my close friends is reading this? I'm no internet star)

 like:

-Hongdae

-Busan

-Eden

-ATB

-Ma and Pops and my Big brother

-SHOPPING

-work work and more work

-CANADA!

-BOOZE related dumbass-ness

-shame spirals

ETC.

SOON TO COME.

SOOOOOON TOOOO COMEE

p.s HOLY CRAP! I thought this month JUST started!??! How the hell is it already JUNE almost?! My goodness gracious, time just really does fly when you're having a bad ass time!!!

Love you long time.

World DJ Festival

That is right!! I went to the infamous World DJ Festival held here in South Korea. This is deemed to be the 3rd biggest DJ festival in the world. This year consisted of my MOST FAVORITE DJ's Avicii, Da Da Life and Markus Shulz. AMAZING. That's all I can say, those 3 days seriously MIND FUCKED me. And left me in a state of soreness my body cannot ever recover from. This was held on May 6,7andthe8th, in Yangpeoung. (spelling is fucked as usual)

The night started off with me and my good friend we'll call "J" for now taking the almost 2 hour subway ride to the venue, which happened to be a GIANT FIELD in the middle of butt fuck nowhere. The place was packed and the drinks starting pouring down my throat. The locals and non locals that played up until the moments of Avicii, Da Da life and of course Markus Shulz were AMAZING. But nothing in comparison to those 3 when they came on stage.

I wish I could remember more, but ah, of course the effects of cheap booze leave me in a state of "wtf" every beautiful hung over morning. According to my pictures though, it was an AMAZING time. Haha, no truly, I recommend anyone and everyone even if you aren't into house music, you NEED to go to a DJ Show to actual experience the ecstasy of literally dancing the night away.

The crowd was spectacular. Met some amazing Americans and they let us stay in their hotel, us being the classy girls we are obviously did not plan on actually camping out at the venue that everyone else had done so at. Ha ha. 

I am so happy to have experienced such an amazing mind fuckin time, I have been to A LOT of DJ shows in my life, but NOTHING can compare to this. Don't know whether it was the fact that we were in god damn SOUTH KOREA which is amazing in its own right, ORRRR the fact that the worlds greatest DJ's just blew us away with their amazing tunes. Either or, it was a weekend I will seriously never top, nor will I forget.

So far so good!

I have now been in Seoul for about 2.5 months and I am loving every single minute of it! I came here originally for work and to escape a lot of personal problems I was having back in my hometown of Calgary, Canada. I got myself into a lot of legal issues, one after another and it seemed like I was in a downwards spiral into nothingness. I came to my lowest low when I got my 2nd vehicle towed due to reckless driving in the downtown area, and driving with a suspended license, and having BOTH my cars in an impound lot under police investigation for criminal activities, and being charged with assault. (Loooong story, that's for another time) but all in all, I decided it was time for me to go, go figure out what the hell was going on? 2011 only started the other day it seemed like and I had already been charged with 3 offenses, 2 vehicles towed, suspended license and a shit ton of legal fee's that unfortunately my parents had to incur the costs of. There was no way I was able to pay anything off without their help. And I kept thinking to myself, how is it that I KEEP getting so belligerent wasted and high that I lose all capability to think and make such horrendous decisions. And why did I come to the realization that I made such mistakes AFTER the fact? You'd think after the first time I got a DUI it would have stopped me, or the second time I got my vehicle towed for having a suspended license it would open my eyes, but to make the same mistake 3 TIMES in a span of one month is pretty ridiculous.

At this point I was at my lowest low, no one but myself could help me. My friends had always been on my side, helped me through it all, but always expressed their concern as to simply WHAT THE HELL was I doing with myself? I managed to completely abandon my last year of accounting, thus forcing me to drop out now, after spending 3 years of my life trying to achieve this goal. Failure seemed to becoming a pattern in my life when I had never even experienced such a feat of low prior. 

Like a light at the end of the tunnel my dad offered me the chance of a life time to go to Seoul, South Korea and work as a Junior Accountant for his Oil and Gas companies sector out here in Korea. I took the chance before he could even finish offering it to me. I have never wanted to flee something so much in my life, but I was fleeing from my own life and my own self. My father offered me a 2 year work contract and I signed it immediately.

In all honesty I was not fleeing from any legal problems, so don't worry I am no fugitive, I have indeed cleared my name of all the charges and done my time and paid my debts, literally and metaphorically. But at the end of the day I no longer wanted to be anywhere near anything that reminded me of my previous lifestyle and problems. I cannot even begin to explain to you the things I have done, seen and witnessed in my 22 years of life.

But now, almost 3 months later I have learned so much about myself. 3 months may not be a HUGE amount of time, but it is enough for me to realize how stupid I really was. The amount of hell I put my family, friends and law enforcement through is just ridiculous. There are not enough sorry's I could say to these people for my actions. Yet they still stand beside me.

I have come to the biggest realization of my life, a true in every form epiphany. I am finally me again. I forgot my roots and myself for a minute there. And I have finally I can safely now say found myself. I still enjoy the occasional riot out on the town, and I do enjoy my booze, but it no longer defines me. I remember again what it is I was sent to this world to do, to be a better person. We all make mistakes, some bigger than others, but we can always rise from them. The best part about being at your lowest point in life, is that there is only one way to go now, UP.

I am very happy to come to terms with all my alcohol and drug abuse in my past, I am happy to say that I am a controlled person once again. Not raging and crazy anymore. I am still a little bit nuts, but that is just me. Korea has taught me that no matter where I am, who ever in the world loves you will love you no matter where or what I have done. I never ever meant to hurt anyone ever, my intentions were always good, but unfortunately they were always about myself, I never stopped to think, "hmm this decision might cost me later on" OH AND IT DID.

My parents and I have both come to the conclusion that I am truly adult enough to handle my own. I feel secure in my own skin once again, and I feel that I can finally be in Canada and not be a total mess and destroy my life.

Which is why I have decided to move back to Canada in July. The lucky part about your Papa owning the company you work for it, contracts don't really matter. Ha Ha. I also have decided to cut myself off from my parents, it is time I do so, that is right world I will be supporting myself financially come this July 2011.

WOW that feels so weird to say out loud...errr type out loud? Whatever the case, its gonna be the big ass SHAY SHOW come this July. I will be paying all my own bills, my own rent, my own insurance, gas, FOOD, you name it it will be supported my own cash-ola. *sigh* I can also now safely say, I will 100% be a broke ass nigga when that day comes around. But it's time, I always told myself by 23 I will be a self sufficient person, and I plan to stick to at least ONE goal this year!! 

Korea has been good to me, and don't worry this adventure isn't over QUITE yet, but now it everything seems to be bitter sweet, and will be even more enjoyable.

I love you Seoul, you have taught me a lot about myself. My 7 months here will forever be the thing that changed my life. Without you I don't know where I would be right now? Actually I do know where I would be...I'd be in jail.

So...conclusion? Life is finally good, I am finally happy, and it ain't due to all the MDMA I have taken or the 60 of Vodka I chugged, it's because I am truly happy. It ain't the MDMA that got me feeling like a champion no more. Finally.

Thank you world. 

But the show must go on!

Many men, wish death upon me.

Many men, wish death upon me
Blood in my eye dog and I can't see
I'm trynna be what I'm destined to be
And niggas trynna take my life away
I put a hole in a nigga for fuckin' with me
My back on the wall, now you gon' see
Better watch how you talk, when you talk about me
'Cause I'll come and take your life away
Many men
Wish death upon me
Lord I don't cry no more
Don't look to the sky no more
Have mercy on me

Sunnny days wouldn't be special, if it wasn't for rain
Joy wouldn't feel so good, if it wasn't for pain
Death gotta be easy, 'cause life is hard
It'll leave you physically, mentally, and emotionally scarred
This is for my niggas on the block, twistin' trees in cigars
For the niggas on lock, doin' life behind bars
I don't see only god can judge me, 'cause I see things clear
Quick these crackers will give my black ass a hundred years
I'm like Paulie in Goodfellas, you can call me the Don
Like Malcolm by any means, with my gun in my palm

Every night I talk to god, but he don't say nothing back
I know he protected me, but I still stay with my gat
In my nightmares niggas keep pulling techs on me
Psyic says some bitch done put a hex on me
The feds didn't know much, when Pac got shot
I got a kite from the pens that told me Tuck got knocked
I ain't gonna spell it out for you motherfuckers all the time
Are you illiterate nigga? You can't read between the lines?
In the bible it says, what goes around comes around
Almost shot me, three weeks later he got shot down
Now it's clear that I'm here for a real reason
'Cause he got hit like I got hit, but he ain't fuckin' breathin'...


Many men

Wish death upon me
Lord I don't cry no more
Don't look to the sky no more
Have mercy on me
Have mercy on my soul
Somewhere my heart turned cold
Have mercy on many men
Many men

Wish death upon me

My dear brother, may you forever rest in peace.

You may not be my blood, but you are the father of my nieces, the husband of my sister and always a friend. You've been in my life longer than you have not been in it. We started off rocky, I was young, I felt you stole my older sister from me when you married her. But then you gave me the 2 greatest joys in my life, Maya and Hana. I didn't think children could be so beautiful. You raised them in the most loving home, you gave them unconditional love and everything a child could desire. You kept my crazy sister sane, you dealt with her childish mannerisms, you loved her and you took care of her. You loved me, you always helped me and you never judged me. With a whole heart you forgave me for everything, and I forgive you for everything. I never got the chance to say goodbye to you. Allah did not give us the luxury of allotting us the time to tell you how much you mean to us. You were robbed of your life too young and unfairly. But nothing in life is unfair, it is all Allah's plan. It is all a game and we are merely pawns. You made me feel smart, you always had good intentions and you were a great role model. I will forever remember the struggles you went through to protect your family, my family.

You were an amazing man, you had an amazing heart. And your heart is what killed you in the end, metaphorically and literally. I wish I had the chance to tell you how much you mean to me. To thank you for raising my nieces with the highest sense of self esteem and pride. I call you my brother in law, but I proudly call you my brother. I am 22 years old and you have been in my life for 15 of those glorious years. I would trade anything to have you back in my life. I would give up any amounts of money to spend one more day with you. I know you're up their, smiling, and very aware of how dearly you are missed. 2011 started off by losing you, and there is no recovering from this year. I was angry at you at first for leaving, I was angry at Allah, I was angry at everyone, but I genuinly know you left because you knew it was your time.

I miss you, I love you and you will never be forgotten. You will live forever in your children, my nieces. And we will make sure they do your name justice. You were an amazing person, and I thank you for everything you have taught me in life. You're the only one that could relate to half the struggles I myself am currently going through, and you left me. You left your wife, you left my sister, you left your children, you left my nieces. But you are not really gone, you live inside of them. Every time they smile I see you. Every time they I see you holding them. We will be okay, because I know that is what you want. May you forever finally rest in peace. Life has given you hell, and now it is your chance to finally rest and be at peace.

It's not goodbye brother, it's till we meet again.

Ain't that funny...

I always wondered what it would be like if one day I woke up and no one knew who I was? If I just walked into work like normal, and everybody just stared at me in disbelief, wondering "who is she?, what is she doing here?" 

I always wonder this because I love the feeling of being unknown. The mystery of someone who walks into a place and everyone in there head thinks the same thing "oh wow, who is this?" But, being unknown is far different from people you love not recognizing you. But isn't it really the same thing when an addict becomes so heavily involved with ones addiction that their own friends and family no longer can recognize them? I have for many years struggled with substance abuse, and sometimes I feel that is how the outer world perceives me.

I always wonder what I am like when under the influence of a substance, and I always wonder what it's like on the outside. I have never dealt with anyone else that had an issue with any kind of substance, so I can never comment. I always ask my loved ones what it was like to have to deal with that, and I always get the same response... "you don't wanna know"

I don't wish it upon my worst enemy to go through what I have gone through, secretley and openly the struggles of which only one person can bear. That is ourselves. The path we choose is not an easy one, it is not one written in stone either. Along this path we can change direction and create another path within seconds. We can choose to keep going forward, stop, and or even go backwards. Time is a funny thing as well, it doesn't do anything but move forward, and I think we should take that as a sign, that we should as well move forward. Regardless of what has happened to us in the past. We are who we are. 

We can change it, but we cannot dwell on it. If we choose to dwell on it, we will lose all the funny that life can be and only gain the pain. 

Happiness is not a fish that you can catch.

Big Time Rush

Has anyone ever heard of this band? Maybe they are famous, but from where I currently am in the world it is hard to find out whats really "poppin'" in North America right now. I mean for gods sake, currently on MTV Korea they are showing SEASON 1 of Jersey Shore!! OMG so behind in the times.

So I have been watching a lot of Nickelodeon lately and there is this show that is called "Big Time Rush", chronicling the lives of these 4 young very cute boys in a fictional (or that's what i thought) boy band called "Big Time Rush". The show is all the made up adventures these boys go through with there band manager. OH and they attend a musical boarding school. I've only watched like 4 episodes BUT I AM IN LOVE I TELL YOU!!!!

I'm not gonna lie, I'm a bit of a pedophile at heart. I just love BOY BANDS!! Them and their feel good music, the inner 15 year old tween in me just wants to jump and dance. Every time I see these guys on TV my heart tingles a little bit...other parts of me might tingle too, but that's just not right to discuss.

BUT THEN SOMETHING CRAZY HAPPENED, I was watching another music channel today and I see a VIDEO...of Big Time Rush, and an actual song they have out...with you wouldn't believe WHO it is featuring...SNOOP DOG. You can check it out here

 

I couldn't post the original because it does not display here in S.Korea, BUT you can watch the official video here .

I don't know what it is about a kids shows and teen sensations and pop music in general that gets me going, but let me tell you, these boys really are the cutest of them all.

J.Beibs move the fuckk over...Big Time Rush is hurrr.

I mean for all I know these kids could have been famous and been around for a while and I am only NOW finding out about them...but in my eyes...they are NEW.

Someday...

I'm gonna make it right. Someday I'm gonna love you forever.

What is a definition of a true friend? To me a friend is someone who knows all about your past and present and still wants to be be apart of your future. A true friend is someone through thick and thin, no matter how large the mistake will look past it and see your sorrow and will still love you. A true friend does not judge you by how much money you have, how popular you are, how much weight you've gained, how much money you waste on foolish things, how broke you are right after payday, how stupid you get at the bar, how often you get kicked out of said bar, how stupid wasted you get and get naked and run around downtown. No a true friend will never judge you by the mistakes you've made, rather how you will fix these mistakes. A true friend, no matter how far you move away will still love you and never forget you. A true friend will waste their own time to fix your mistakes, will sit with you in an impound lot and tell you "it's okay". A friend bails you out from situations which you have mangled yourself into, but a true friend will be beside you while these situations happen and guide you through it. A true friend will sit with on a hardwood floor and cry, a true friend will leave everyone behind to make sure you have the greatest birthday ever, although you just got kicked out of your own party, a true friend will protect your house during a house party and will take a verbal beating from you because you're to drunk and to high to know any better. A true friend will clean up your mess even when you've ran away from the mess. 

A true friend will make you feel like you're at home just by talking to them, will tell you every detail of every emotion they feel because they know they will not judge you for it. A true friend is someone who doesn't have to ask "what happened?", they already know. A true friend is someone who cares about you unconditionally and will show you everyday, a true friend is someone you don't talk to for months but when you do it's like no time has even passed. A true friend tells you they miss you everyday and that they love you. A true friend always makes you feel included even when your thousands of miles away.

A true friend never steals from you, but shares everything with you, lets you pass out in their bed at 4am wasted even when they didn't go out that night, a true friend will never leave you stranded and will drive you at all hours of the night to get where you need to go to be happy. A true friend, lets you leave them in order for you to clean your own life up. A true friend is someone you can live with for months and never have an argument, a true friend is someone who always tells you the truth no matter how emotionally wrecking the truth can be. 

I have friends, and I have best friends. I grew up in a country foreign to me and alone at a very young age, my family was thousands of miles away, I only had friends to seek comfort in. I grew up and they grew up with me, some stayed, some left. I love each one passionately, but only a few of them hold a place in my heart. My hearts not that big, so if you're in there, you're a permanent residence. My friends grew to be the only family in a country so far way from home to be the only family I have. I love my parents, my brother and my sister, my nieces and all my relatives, but it's a hard to find comfort in them when they are miles away. I look to these special people for comfort in a land that I now call my home.

And the more time apart I spend from them, the more close I feel with them. I needed to leave to better myself, I will never blame my friends for my own mistakes, I will blame them for loving even though I made so many mistakes. I will never understand how I got so lucky to have people who are not even blood related that can love the way they love me. 

And I will forever be thankful for that. A true friend is someone who doesn't need to read a blog post to know how much I love and thank them for everything they have done. For every time I have put you in an awkward situation and for every time I have gotten into a rage and taken it out on you, I am sorry, but you know I unconditionally love you.

Someday I'm gonna get it right, my life
Someday I'm gonna figure it out, maybe tonight
Cause I know Imma get it right .

Once a whore always a whore

I tried, I really tried to avoid this fate for myself. But there is officially no stopping me now. I was to a child once, with big dreams for myself, most my dreams are in progress to coming true, but alas here I am with the frightening feeling that I have become.... a whore.

*I use the term whore very loosely. I don't mean it in a street hooker, I sell my body to the night or that I have sex with some random stranger from a bar wasted every night kind of way*

Don't start judging me quite yet. Really, somewhere along the line my dream of becoming a wholesome wife to a professional gentleman turned into the dream of mastering a high school game we started called "ass master 2005-present". Basically, who gets the most poon wins.

It wasn't always like this, once upon a star I was a wide-eyed, pre-teen about to hop onto a plane and move to this great ice land I had never been to before but read so much about in books...Canada. Good 'ol Canada. God bless this monster of a country. None the less, that 13 year old started Junior High, barely speaking any English and developed new dreams of becoming a famous pop star, touring the world with the Spice Girls. Then that girl met a boy at a bus stop, fell madly in "love" and let him stick his wang in her pikachu. Suddenly my new dream was to master this new craft I had just encountered and learned. Now I was going to become a sex star....okay no not really, I actually don't even enjoy the act, I think it was the competition aspect of it that intrigues me.

Now before you start thinking "omg, what a terrible way to lose it" or "what a horrible experience that must have been, so young so innocent", remember I ended up dating this boy for 2 years, which is a milenia in teen years, and we are to this day very good friends. But ah, that was only the beginning, the beginning of a life long string of whore like activity for myself.

Not to mention that during most of my life I've had a steady long term serious boyfriend, that's right, I was THAT girl. I'm not proud of my past, but I am not ashamed of it, we all make mistakes and unfortunately I made my mistake over and over again for a year straight during a 6 year long relationship. You would be safe to assume, he hates me, I ruined his life, he will never trust women again and we are no longer together. 

I learned my lesson, shouldn't have treated him like a dirtbag and should have valued what we had, but none the less, I only did it because it was one of those relationships where everything was so perfect between us and we had been together forever! There was no legit reason I could find to breaking up with him, but I couldn't just break up with him because I didn't wanna be with him anymore could I? Duhhhhh of course I could, but no I chose the HIGH ROAD, and decided to just ruin his manhood instead. Clearly the better ethical choice right? Blah, if I knew then what I know now. Unfortunately the next day after we broke up, I decided to date one of the guys I had secretly been with during that relationship & now openly be with him. Dated for a one year and I can tell you that it failed miserably just recently due to, well because he doesn't trust me. And why would he? I mean I cheated on my previous boyfriend WITH him...yeah. I love when previous relationships ruin present ones. Great, juussssst great.

But I sometimes think about it, like yes, I made a mistake, learned from it, swore to myself I would never do that again, would never be caught in a situation like that ever again. But I wonder, how much can one person REALLLLY change?? Like now since I have vowed to never cheat again, and won't be with someone unless I know I won't do that to them, it seems like I will be single forever then. Because I love the single life, I haven't experienced it in so long. This new territory, and casual sexual encounters and how easy breezy sex with a male can be, no strings attached scares the shit out of me. I am falling in love with the whore life. It's just so much easier, no one to fuckin annoy you at all times of the night, no one that checks up on you, no one that wants to go out with you all the time, no one that you have to make sure you shave your legs for. Nobody you have to please EVER. For the first time ever, I'm in a relationship with someone that cares about me, I'm in a relationship with myself. The greatest companion ever.

But what now? What if now, in order to be an honest and non cheating whore bag, morally right and ethical person, I turn into a casual sex whorebag? I don't want to be single forever?! But I don't think I will ever like another man enough to be monogamous for him. I just love, love too much. But then again, I eventually want some mini Shays? What is a girl to do, I went from being a whore in a relationship, to a single whore.

I am afraid to admit that, but maybe it's true what they say, once a whore...always a whore.

Damsels in distress

The one thing I cannot stand about the Indo-Arab culture that I am so proudly from is our fucked up perception of beauty. Here is a little ShayShay history lesson, to clarify where in the world I am from. My Papa is from Kuwait and my Mama is from Burma aka Mayanmar, my mother went to University in Kuwait, thus meeting my Papa fell madly in love, got married and gave birth to 3 horrendously beautiful children, the littlest/youngest one being ME of course. How else would I have become such a brat? Ha Ha. Thus, I am half from Indian decent, and half Arab decent. Although in my religion of Islam (yes, shockingly I am a Muslim, nobody said I was a good one though) you only take your fathers ethnicity, so I am a full blooded Arab if anybody asks *shiftyeyes*. I explain that my mother is of somewhat Indian decent for the readers who wonder "hmm why does she look so East Indian sometimes..." THAT is why!

Okay back to my rant.

In Indian culture to be born with dark skin is the biggest birth defect you can have! Yes I said DEFECT. It is a shameful thing to have dark skin, and you are taught to spend your entire life trying to cover it up! Forcing yourself to wear ghostly foundation to make your face whiter. The Bollywood culture preaches teens to use "fair and lovely" creams to make your skin whiter, not explaining that a) this creates MAJOR self esteem issues and b) how horrible the side affects of these chemicals on your always developing skin is.

I was lucky enough to grow up in a household where both my parents thought their children were ultimate beauties, and gods gifts to earth, and definitely made clear we knew it to. I'm not trying to be cocky but in our culture you need parents like that to make sure you don't grow up to be an insecure rat. Which so many of my Desi girlfriends grew up to be unfortunately. Having light skin is a sign of beauty and you can see it everywhere in bollywood. It really grosses me out. In general people from South India are known for their dark skin, and I think it is honestly what makes them so beautiful!! Their gorgeous dark skin makes their sharp features stick out even more. I find that about them to be jaw dropping .

I really hate that Indian girls feel the need to change their skin color to find beauty within themselves. I love my skin color, and if someone paid me I wouldn't change it....well that is a lie, I would so change it if it was a good reasonable sum of money. I'm thinking like a good 50 million and upwards. That is just the street whore in me thinking out loud again.

I don't think the definition of beauty lies in your skin color but more so in your features and how you present yourself. I truly believe that if YOU find yourself beautiful so will everyone that looks at you. Confidence is the most beautiful thing, possessing it can make you a deathly weapon in the game of life.

So listen up you damsels in distress!! Don't ever be ashamed of your dark coco skin, it is what defines you and makes you so beautiful. Love the skin your in. Applying chemicals to your skin to make yourself more "fair" makes you a shallow ugly person.

Live life to the fullest.

The Seoul of Asia

Annyeonghaseyo!!! (Hello!) 

I have now been in Seoul for 1 month and not gonna lie its been a spectacular month!! I have been exploring this great metropolis that is Seoul everyday and everyday I see something new. I have seen everything from the poorest of the poor to the most elite shopping department stores that I feel inappropriate just walking inside!!

The top 10 things I love about Korea SO FAR would have to be;

10) Food! I love all the seafood here. The freshest of the freshest and the cheapest of the cheapest! Buying huge platters of the most delicious fresh sushi for only say about $15 USD, when in Canada that would be a good $50-$100, not even joking. And not to mention the abundant places to eat! and how late every type of restaurant is open. 90% of restaurants here are a) cheap b) OPEN 24 HOURS!! Not gonna lie, some stuff here is REALLY disgusting, I mean I in general do not eat any pork but man they eat some nasty parts of all animals, and a lot of pig by products. And....dogs. No comment on that, it grosses me out.

9) The subway system- although I LOVEEE driving, and just cruising down the road listening to your fav songs and jamming with your friends...the simplicity of Seouls INTENSELY complex subway system is amazing, you can literally get to every nook and cranny of South Korea and Seoul with it...and its CHEAP. I have spent about $50 in subway tickets for the entire month, which is the least I have EVER spent in my life on transportation, hell I buy $80 of gas a week back in Canada. NOT MISSING THAT AT ALL. And not to mention all the comedic stuff you can see everyday by riding the subway!

8) Taxi's! Ahhh yes, even though there subway system is awesome, it is still a tiresome after a long 14 hour day at work sometimes you just don't feel like walking and waiting for the train, but no problem!! Taxi's are disgustingly cheap here!! Like straight up costs about $5 to go from my work to home which is a good 20-30min drive. In Calgary that would be like $50 dollars. Yuck.

7) PEOPLE. This one comes with discretion though, I am not gonna lie I have already gotten into 4 different verbal and almost physical fights with 4 different old people LOL. The elder, less educated crowd here is like it is anywhere in Asia, from India to China I have seen this time and time again, they are racists. Racism is SLOWLY going down here, but the general dislike for foreigners you can definitely feel with some people. The younger generation, my age and beyond are VERY welcoming though, they LOVE foreigners. Especially you lucky whities hehe. But no complaints from me, everyone stares at me in amazement here, and my receptionist thinks I am big time Bollywood celebrity LOL...hell I don't argue ha.

6)  SHOPPING!!!!! OMG Shopping is SPECTACULAR here! I have already spent no joke a good 5 grand on just clothing, that doesn't include shoes and accessories and omg MAKEUP. One thing though that I have had difficulty with is SIZES, people here are so small (obviously the Asian culture and I mean all Asian cultures, Indian, Chinese, Japanese etc, are in general very small sized people, especially women, don't ask where I came to be such a monster considering I'm also from Asian decent but alas that Arab in me takes over) Good luck to you finding shoes that are any sizes bigger than size 8!! I am a size 9, and I have only found ONE store that sells my size so far. And pants!! Yikes, I don't consider myself to be a LARGE person by any means, I mean duh I have gained my fair share of winter fat haha, but I am in no way over weight, but here GOOD LUCK finding pants if your anything bigger than a size 26!! But who cares! I don't even wear pants!! haah I'm a dresses and tunics type of gal...and this is YOUR CITY if you also are. OMG. Just amazing shopping, so different, so stylish. I literally shop till I drop everyday. I'm gonna need a new closet soon.

5) Clubs!! Seoul is literally a city that never sleeps, especially their nightlife. Liquor is disgustingly cheap here, an average drink at a super fancy club costs about $3, and beer or Soju which is super popular here costs about $1, and it will get you fucked up. House music is SO popular here and literally every club plays it. It's GREAT. Also, Kereokee is soo popular, and SO MUCH FUN. I love it. I love the lounges and just everything to do with their night life. Cheap and fun, my kinda night out!!

4) The history. In general I really like the Korean culture, but I also love how much history there is in this City. There is a fascinating museum on every block. And they do not cost much to go in. From their war memorial to their Art galleries, they are rich in culture. This country has gone from a almost 5th world country to a 2nd world, and now almost a 1st world country in a matter of 20 years. The amount, from wars, economical development and to technological development this country has seen and done it all. I love how nationalistic people are here, they will pay $10 more just to buy local stuff, then to buy consumer goods marketed in from around the world. You will see only 3 types of cars here EVER I dare you to find a domestic. Kia and or Hyundai (same company) Mercedes and BMW. I really envy there nationalism and how hard they work to preserve their nation and their culture. And not to mention the DMZ being oh just around the corner. The fact that a part of Korea is still communism and under such humanity turmoil, the South Koreans still support and want freedom for North Korea.

3) Festivals!! Gah, I love waking up hungover on Saturday morning to see yet another festival and don't forget about the protest on the other side of the street ! There is constant actions 7 days a week I swear to god, but more so on the weekend. There is some street festival, free of charge to attend and their is some social group protesting at the parliament every weekend. Before you know it 7 hours has gone by and you've only spent it at one festival. There are like several going on all over town, the best ones are in their downtown core though.

2) This one may come as a horrible shock to you but my number 2 most favorite thing in Seoul would be.....ALL THE BURGER KINGS!! God I know that probably sounds horrible that a fast food joint is my number 2. But to be honest, even in a big city like Calgary, there are only about 4 Burger Kings. Here in Seoul there is seriously one on every corner!!!! It makes me sooo happy.

1) FASHION!! My favorite absolute FAVORITE THING ABOUT SEOUL is every single persons FASHION and STYLE. I cannot begin to explain how much I envy Asian peoples fashion. No matter where you go everyone here is dressed to a the TEE. I dare you to find someone not wearing designer this and designer that. Even if they aren't spending thousands of dollars on their clothing, dressing well has nothing in my opinion to do with AMOUNT OF MONEY, its to do with personal STYLE. And ladies, Koreans got dat shit dowwwwn pat. Everyone wears heels and walks around in them none the less for a good 9 hours a day!! Women are dressed like they are going to a fancy dinner at all times, and that is my kinda city. Back home in Calgary everyone is SOOO lazy with style. Jeans and a T-shirt. BOO. I always look like I'm over dressed, but HERE, HERE I found my home. I always fit in and feel at home, its WONDERFUL. I just love walking around downtown just staring at what everyone is wearing. The style amongst the younger generation here is IMPECCABLE!

Okay!! I hope that with my top 10 you have now been convinced to come to South Korea!! I love it here, but yet again, I miss my lovebugs back home. They will always be my number ONE.